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09 May 2019 @ May 09, 2019
If you can't sleep
Don't bother me

Find something to fill your time
Don't bother me

I've chosen to stay at home but
Don't bother me

I am not hanging out on late nights
So why still bother me

I am a grown man
Don't bother me

I am this close to moving out
Don't bother me

And I will bite
So don't bother me

4.5 years since graduation
31 July 2018 @ July 31, 2018
It's been 4 and a half years since I left school.

Life is not what I imagined at 21 years old.

I am not working in the PR industry. And I'm not working for a big firm. I'm not yet a manager. And I've not met any life-long friends or companion from work.


Instead.


07 August 2016 @ August 07, 2016
It's funny how, despite many years, I still come back to this page when I'm feeling down and confused.
My first blog post was published on 13 Nov 2005. At that point of time, the trendiest thing for me, was blogging. And it simply read "MY NEW BLOG IS DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in that very font colour and the right number of exclamation marks. That was how happy and excited I was.

Blogging started out as an avenue to connect with my classmates, to share my day-to-day events and complaints about a plain old secondary school life. I took the very same list of personality tests my classmates and friends took, and share my results on my blog. I wrote about the amount of homework I had, the funny things that happened in class and my Wushu training.

Then it became a place to share my interest in music - which was when I started to keep track of the latest music releases and aspired to become a radio deejay. I remembered having a small discussion with my mum about heading into polytechnic to pursue Mass Communication or going into JC first, then studying Mass Communication at university level.

It also evolved into a place where I reflect on life after JC and shed some light on my inner emotions which I hardly share with anyone. And, as all of you should know, I went to Meridian JC... and then, I (almost) flung my A levels.

That was one point in my life where I regretted about not working hard enough. My grades couldn't make it to any of the government universities. Not even the courses when the lowest benchmarks. It was one of the hardest phone calls I had to make. I hid in the staircase and trembled as I called home. After the call, I cried hard and dried my tears before I headed home.

I decided to seek further education at private universities.

And, that was a point in my life, where I got into a heated argument with my mum. I had one goal in mind - which is to enroll for the Mass Communications course at MDIS - the school fees were affordable, it was aligned with my dream and I get to complete my final year in US! How cool was that! Parents, as they will naturally do, comes in at this juncture to give you some advice or encouragement. My dad, totally cool and supportive of my decision after reading the brochure. My bro, envious about the opportunity I will have. But my mum? Ha! Things weren't that simple.

She adamantly discouraged me. Well, she went asking around for advice from her friends, I guess. The general feedback from her friends was that MDIS was unheard of, might've been a scam. I rolled my eyes. Yes, MDIS is a younger and less established private school, but it was advertised everywhere, from prints to buses - it was even on the recommended list of schools from the bulk of brochures I received at graduation. Oh wow, look at the distance this corporation goes to swindle money out of our pockets!

I can't remember if I broke down into tears again arguing with her on that. I think I shouted that she wasn't supportive of my dreams and how she makes all the decisions for me as I was growing up - well, I don't want to go into the details. I think anger got the better of me and I slammed my bedroom door, squatted at the corner of my room. Just wanted to find a safe and quiet place to vent my frustrations and cool my head.

I gave in to my mum. I made a choice to go to SIM, where, fortunately, my buddy, Serene, happened to be going too. So that was comforting to know. And I met a bunch of nice people, and of course, weirdos. University was definitely an eye-opener. And I became more open-minded. For the first time in forever, I traveled so frequently to the west side of Singapore. For the first time in forever, I realized how common, smoking and tattoos were for people my age. And yes, they can be really nice people.

It was at university - albeit a little late - that I realize that my world, prior to coming to SIM, was so small. I was a lucky girl. Well-sheltered. Met the right company of friends. Go home everyday with warm food. Had a dad who would drive you to school if you were late.

I remembered that I cried out of embarrassment when I saw my dad coming to school just because I forgot my water bottle - it was my mum's idea to get him to bring it to me. Why? Well, because she's worried that I won't drink any water without my water bottle. Like, come on?! I could've bought a bottle of mineral water from the school canteen!

It was in me from the very moment I was born. At two, I insisted on feeding myself with my own utensils without my parent's help. At kindergarten, I assured my mum that I will be fine at home with the TV, so she could go see my brother home from school. At secondary school, I asked my dad to not iron my school uniforms because if I wanted it, I should do it myself. At university, I started the habit of washing my own bottles and dishes after I get back from school each day. I cooked my own lunch on weekends. At my full time job, I started to pay for my own expenditures, my phone bills, food, transport, shopping. I woke up on my own. Asked to not be helped even if I was running late for work. Told my mum that I want to be responsible for my own actions.

Control is the word. I want to be in control of my own life - take the credits for my right decisions and bear the repercussions of my wrong choices. I was upset at how reliant my brother was on my mum. And even more upset at how my mum did not stop us from exploiting her for help to get by everyday.

And so. Another episode of this happened again recently. In fact, it was there all along, but it worsened from my last two weeks at AS. In my final two weeks of work I was in a rush to finish all the reports I had to do and hand over what I had properly to my successor. I pushed myself to work more than 12 hours each day. I would arrive at work at 10am, and leave office close to 12am. It was an insane struggle for a work perfectionist like myself. I wanted to leave on a good note. For the good pals and new person in line to be glad that I left no mess for them to clean up. I wrote checklists. I wrote step by step manuals. I did templates. I uploaded my work into the company's shared drive. I went spent time teaching new stuff during office hours on top of my workload. My dad and mum didn't understand. If my dad, the person who has always been most liberal about my choices in life didn't understand, I don't think anyone would.

Why? Why not be selfish and just leave? I did it for my prideful self. I wanted recognition. I wanted them to think that I am capable. I wanted them to look up to me and envision that I have a bright future ahead. I wanted them to love working with me, appreciate my efforts and respect my work ethics.

For work, I will go the distance to get what I wanted done. Because, I want see the glow from the fruit of my hard work; the shine on people's faces from my creation; and I want to proudly say that "Yes! That's my work!" I guess, that's why I wanted to get into consumer marketing.

I'm disappointed at the current relationship I share with my mum. On the Saturday after my last day at work, I went back to office to finish up more work. Last Wednesday, I went back to AS after work to go through work with the new guys. On both occasions, I stayed till 12am. And on both occasions, I lied.

I told my parents that I was having more farewells from my colleagues at AS. I couldn't tell them that I was at work. I'm sure that my dad will be fine - but telling him will mean that my mum will know - so I had to keep both of them in the dark.

My mum was not the type to yell or slap. But one cold look and a few words were good enough to tear my heart apart.

翅膀硬了,长大了,不用爸妈了啦

I was struck dumbfounded and helpless. Since a year ago, I started to stay later and later behind for work. I even brought work home for the weekends. And my mum started to be unsupportive of my job. She encouraged me to quit. I told her that this is what I love and I do not detest the hours and hard work I needed to put in.

She then compared me with other people. And asked why other people could be working on a 9 to 5, can't I get an easier job? I explained that I didn't want to take things slow. I wanted to learn everything as soon as possible. And from there work my way up the corporate ladder and head deep into ecommerce for consumer marketing. And our conversation never progressed from there. It was just repetition after repetition, until the day I told my mum that I found a new job. She was relieved. I guess, she couldn't bear to see me burn myself out like how my brother did in the past - but that was because he eat, and that's a separate story which I can tell another day.

So, how on earth will she be okay if I told her the reason for coming home late on those two days was because of work at AS?!

As of today, it has been one week of work at my new company. There's also a fun story behind my new job, but let's save it for another blog post in future - probably the day when I leave this company.

So where was I... yes, on Friday, I stayed a little bit later than usual just to have a sense of how late people at my new work place stays back for work. And I was kinda glad that all (but one - that fella came late for work that day so he was making up for time) left at 7:30pm. And earlier that day, I also got the sense of how hard they pushed themselves to finish work. I sent out an email with the word URGENT in bold, in upper case, and in red for a simple task of resizing 3 images. Minutes later, I heard the holla of the creative director directed at me and the account manager saying that I should never send any emails with that kind of message, because I had no idea how much work the creative team had on hand.

Well, it was my fault for not considering that. But I did consult the person who was working on the project right after I sent out the email if she read the email or had questions. But she gave me a vague answer so, I guessed that I could follow up with her later that day to check on the progress. On one hand, I was appalled at how protective the director was, but on the other, I am glad to know that they do their best to practice work-life balance and try not to stress their employees out.

We don't try to make enemies within ourselves, we work together to fight those outside (aka: clients)

That was what my supervisor said to me after that small episode. Point taken!

So back to what I wanted to say. It was 8:30pm when I got home from work. After I had dinner and washed up - I habitually brought myself into the study to enjoy some anime from my laptop. My mum then casually asked how late do the people at my new workplace work. My over-sensitive self kicked in and I defensively retorted,

Mummy, people who work in marketing/creative will always be working late. Why do you even ask? You are always unsupportive of my work.

Stunned, my mum asked why I was being so sensitive and that she was just asking out of curiosity. And then I psychotically said

I love my job and I am willing to be abused because of the work I love. So stop asking if you are not going to be supporting what I love!

And that was it. I wasn't able to speak to my mum properly over the weekends. I wasn't apologetic about what I said because it was truly what I felt. But I think I hurt my mum. And I didn't know how to mend things back. I wasn't able to cry it off because it crying wouldn't solve the problem.

So I decided to write it out. Writing, though is rare, but has been an effective avenue for me to reflect on myself and relieve my inner turmoils. And I realized that singing, is also a great reliever for me. I noticed that I sing a lot when I am in a good mood. I felt much better when I sang a few of my favourites while my parents were out for lunch yesterday.

Thanks diary. For unconditionally accepting who I am. For helping me to record important events in my life so I can look back on the past on days like this and be thankful for everything that has happened to me. Perhaps, on my next blog post, I will write a letter to my older self.

Thanks, once again. I feel so much better now. I will try to patch things up with my mum on the coming public holiday this Tuesday.

Signing off,
My twenty-four-year-old self

10 April 2016 @ April 10, 2016
The bedroom door was opened abruptly. The commotion that followed jolted her from her sleep.
She peered her eyes open. There stood her brother and her mum who were discussing about which luggage bag to take
03 January 2016 @ January 03, 2016
Maybe. I want to write again.
Maybe. I want to start living a life outside of work and family.
Maybe. I will leave earlier than I wish. Maybe, they will make me leave.
Maybe. I will take up things I never imagined.
Maybe. I will enjoy it. Maybe. I won't.
Maybe shall always be a maybe unless I try.

Every morning I open my windows to glance at the greenery outside, hoping to be welcomed by a cool breeze that will fill my lungs - getting me pumped up like a fully charged Energizer rabbit. But this doesn't happen everyday - opportunities alike.

Sometimes "he" comes by, all dressed up and gently calls out to you, informing you of "his" arrival. Then "he" enters and gives you a big warm smile, asking you to follow "him", no one else but you.

Sometimes "he" cannot wait for you. "He" will send you a text, asking you to give him a buzz when you read it. Then you ponder and wonder about whether you want to return the call. And when you do, you are definitely lucky if "he" is still available, because there have been times "he" had gone away with someone else. Someone who acted faster. Someone more convincing. Someone more determined.

Sometimes "he" doesn't even appear. "He" goes missing. "He" doesn't let you know where "he" is. You have to find "him". You put up notices everywhere, rampage through the streets, searching high and low for "him". Any signs or any traces would help. You pieced the clues together and set out to find "him". There "he" was, waving and grinning, amused at the sight of your fatigue and surprise. But as you close up, he starts to back away. You muster your remaining strength and spring forward, grabbing "him" by the back of "his" shirt, begging "him" to stay.

Sometimes "he" stays. Sometimes, "he" slips away. "He" may not be ready for you. You may not be ready for "him". "He" may not be right for you. You may not be right for "him". Maybe. You will never know until you try.

Opportunities don't always come knocking on your doors.

I want to find the inquisitive and audaciously bold child in me for the courage to go further. Only then, I will truly see the fun of trying new things, falling down, brushing off setbacks and getting up again.


02 February 2015 @ February 02, 2015
Once again, I was
Suddenly thrown onto the neck-breaking highway.
Stuck in a whirlwind of reckless metalloids, while I
Steer my ride on the dull but merciless asphalt
Small but cautious steps I'd take,
for this unknown destination ahead.

14 June 2014 @ June 14, 2014
Ending this path in my life,
and moving on to another.
I might be pushing myself underwater,
but I'll learn to breathe it fine.

Cos these found wings,
long for bright blue skies.
Not gonna stay low and be satisfied,
Until I've tried, sweat and cry.


My colleagues were great, but the job probably isn't something I see myself working on in the next two years. So I'll be on my way, in search for other pastures.





15 March 2014 @ March 15, 2014
Probably time to do a reflection on the past three months of internship soon. I'll find time to do it end of this month.

My first action movie with my mum in the cinemas. Surprisingly, she liked it - but it wasn't because of the action, but because of the male lead. =.=

Haven been out with friends for a long long time too. Want to go play some games, or sing, or even do gallery or nature walk with them.

So many things but so hard to find time.

25 January 2014 @ January 25, 2014
Sorry for the times I left you alone. I was out working, while you were on hold.

Dear Diary,

I'm making baby steps into the "real world" now. Can you imagine it? When I start to look back on the exact years when each event happened, every episode seemed like they happened pretty recently. In fact, many years have passed by and I have gained quite a decent amount of life experiences. From life to death, from happiness to sadness, relaxation to being stressed, health to sickness, rise and fall. Of course, I have yet to experience all aspects of life.
27 November 2013 @ November 27, 2013
An unofficial farewell to my school years as I bid my classmates goodbye on the final philo class. "See you somewhere, sometime in the future..."

Went through this whirlwind of job hunt and interviews over the last few days. Just accepted a internship offer from a niche industry in the late morning because I chickened out for the other permanent job position at another company - not confident about my own capabilities and afraid of "weighing your colleagues down" although they "know that you are new".

I guess, I am not sure about my abilities either. "Start things slow," my dad said. But look around, people like me have embarked on full-time careers at posh and reputable corporations; they are already sprinting so far ahead of me. And here I am, taking baby steps, testing out waters?

What are your strengths and weaknesses? A question asked way too frequent. Keep track of work progress VS bossy. Calmness VS emotionless. Optimistic VS unrealistic. These are all traits that can easily be turned sour at the tip of my tongue. I probably am not as outstanding as I market myself to be.

I came across this song by comedy band, Axis of Awesome, called "What Would Jesus Do?". Not trying to bring in any religions here, but I found this part of the lyrics pretty relatable.

"Life isn't always easy
It isn't always fun
When you lose direction
Your world can come undone
When you're in need of guidance
And help is over due
You might ask yourself this question
What Would Jesus Do?"



These days, I keep asking myself, what other alternatives I have? What could I have done? What would a clone, Geraldine Number 2, do? Would I risk it? Or would I just dive into this opportunity? Otherwise, would I have taken a break before starting work? Many many possibilities exist beyond any of our imaginations, even when they're combined.

I'm just glad that I now have a small part of my life planned and I'm choosing to let my mind be open to anything that comes at me. Though I might be surprised at what comes charging at me and perhaps, be helpless and having hard time surfacing the tough waters, but (I've convinced myself that) it's all part of the learning process, it's all part of life. I'm having it better than so many others. I shall count and recount my own blessings. 1, 2, 3, 4, ....

I have no idea when's the next time I will appear on geraldine-blues, but it's not closing - I promise. I will go on and on. May you, my dear reader, do too. *Big fat smile* :)